Quittintime: Psst...wanna hear a joke??

Diary of a Snow Shoveler...

December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow

of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and

sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft

flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma

Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I

love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal

white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What

a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the

Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever

had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a

boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.

This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered

up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to

shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow.

Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to

worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow

on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so

much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to

see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such

a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The

temperature dropped to-20. The cold makes everything

sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I

warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks.

This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon

and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would

have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly

get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and

puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and

bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's

car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife

wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I

think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass

on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like

hell. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was

very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too

icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had

to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but

stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I

should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to

her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm

freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14"

of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling. Took all

day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a

neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy

playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only

hardware store around to see about buying a snow

blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in

March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or

the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas

because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and

it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me

45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and

then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed

and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to

hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the

winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the *#@&!! is

lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up

to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the

house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she

tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I

think she's lying.

December 24 - 6." Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l

broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If

I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow

plow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat

him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides

around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling

and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an

hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols

with her and open our presents, but I was too busy

watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches

of the damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of

shovelling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow!

Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a

donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.

The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a

fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life"

one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the

microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever

move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on

my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the

pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for

him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in.

THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to

shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest

thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow

driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only

the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the

broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to

her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No

more shovelling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white

pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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