calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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Tell Mark a joke. The one that makes him laugh the hardest gets a signed copy of The Carpenters Notebook by Mark Clement. Deadline Monday, March 28th 12PM PST, which makes it 3PM EST.........I hope. 
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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Boss_Hog
Reged: Mar 24 2005
Posts: 76
Loc: Carlinville, Illinois
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Here are a couple of my favorites. Are multiple entries allowed? If not, the first one is my entry.
A man and his Wife decided to celebrate their 10th wedding annicversary by going back to the motel where they had spent their honeymoon. They even made sure they got the same room as they had been in 10 years earlier.
When they got into bed that night the Wife snuggled up next to her Husband. She ran her hand up and down his chest and said:
"When we climbed into this bed 10 years ago, what were you thinking?"
"I was thinking I wanted to hump your brains out"
In her best sexy voice, the Wife says suggestively:
"What are you thinking right now?"
"Seems like it worked"
.
Here's a clean, family-safe joke:
The 5 little piggies went out for dinner one night. (These are the 5 little piggies like you do on a kids toes) The waitress comes up and asks 'em what they want.
The first little piggie says "I want roast beef".
The 2nd little piggie says "I'll have a salad"
The 3rd little piggie says "I'll have the lasagna"
The 4th little piggie says "I'll have a burger and fries"
The 5th little piggie says" I don't want anything to eat - Just give me 5 pitchers of water".
The waitress asks "Why do you want five pitchers of water?"
The 5th little piggie snorts and says "Well, SOMEBODY's gotta wee-wee-wee all the way home"
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Philter
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 23
Loc: Burnaby, B.C., Canada
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Since sending this requires a computer....I think this is topical...
Just received this from a friend . . .
YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN 2005 WHEN ...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 16 phone numbers to reach your family of four.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Your boss doesn't know what your job is.
13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
14. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen
15. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
17. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
18. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
19. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
20. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
21. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends ...you know you want to!
Cheers,Phil.
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If it is to be, 'twil be done by me.
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Subject: Sleeping in Church
A man goes to the minister at his church. "Reverend,"
he said, "we have a problem. My wife keeps falling
asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing,
not to mention disrespectful. What can I do?"
"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to
the task," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with
you. I can see when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you. When I motion, you give her a good poke
in the leg with the hatpin.
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off.
Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And
who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said,
nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as
her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp
hatpin. "Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the
minister's quick reply. Mrs. Jones then turned and
glared angrily at her husband. Soon, Mrs. Jones again
nodded off. The minister noticed. "Who is your
Redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward
Mr. Jones. "My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was
stuck again with the pin. "Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.
Mrs. Jones again gave her husband a real hard
threatening glare. Before long though she again nodded
off. This time however the minister did not notice.
As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to
sharply poke his wife with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam
after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones jumped up and shouted, "You stick that
thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation.
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Boudreaux's daughter brings home her new fianc? to meet Boudreaux & Clotile. After dinner, Clotile tells Boudreaux to find out about the young man. Boudreaux invites the fianc? to the back room for a drink.
"So what are your plans?", Boudreaux asks the young man.
"I am a scripture scholar.", he replies.
"A scripture scholar. Hmmm.", Boudreaux says, "Dats good, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
"I will study and God will provide for us.", the young man replies.
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring?", asks Boudreaux.
"I will concentrate on my studies.", the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?", asks Boudreaux. "How will you support de children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide.", replies the fianc?.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time Boudreaux asks a question about the young man's future, the young man insists that God will provide.
Later, Clotile asks Boudreaux, "Mais, how did it go, Boudreaux?"
Boudreaux answers Clotile by saying, "Mais, he has no job, and he has no plans, but the good news is ... he thinks I'm God."
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself:
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy storms off in anger.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get the s-s-shit b-b-b-beat out of m-m-m-me?"
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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A guy was sitting in an airplane when another man took the seatbeside him.
The second guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.
"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" asked the first guy.
"OmiGod...I've been transferred to New Orleans," the second guy answered. "there are crazy people in New Orleans and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, thehighest crime rate............."
"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in New Orleans all my life, and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The second guy relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said,"Oh, thank God. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it.
What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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Ken, lately you been laying back. Something tells me you knew this contest was in the wings.
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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A few minutes before the services started, the people were seated in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan
appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get awayfrom evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?",
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a single word?", asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep." Was the calm reply.
"And yet you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Boudreaux's Wedding Night
When Boudreaux he first got married, him be kind of shy. After dem first two or three nights Yvette she still don't get no action. Dat Yvette, she decides she needs to do something to get Boudreaux's attention so she brings herself to Wal-Mart and buys some crotchless underwear.
Dat evening, she took herself a shower, freshened up, put on dem
crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then sit across from
Boudreaux and suggestively tossed one leg upon a chair. Soon she see dat Boudreaux is staring intently in her direction.
"Want some of dat", she purred.
"Are you kiddin", say Boudreaux ,"look what it done to your underwear!!!"
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Calvin,
Nobody was reading.
This is my pick of the litter.
The first old woman told the second old woman that
sometimes she gets her husband "in the mood" at night
by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting her
two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so
that night, when her husband went in the bathroom to
get ready for bed, she got totally naked, and began
the process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she
was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.
She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so
she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it
behind her head. However, she had rocked just a
little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards
and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in
the air.
Just then her husband came out of the bathroom.
"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your
hair and put your teeth in. You look like an *#@&!!.
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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The difference between humor and odor ....
Humor is a shift of wit ....
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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I'll tell you what. If someone comes in here and beats you, I'll buy you a copy of that dam book myself!
Are you sure you can't make it up to ohio in august?
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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What is this new word "vacation" ya'll keep saying?
It's really hard for me to get away.
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died &Muldoon went to the parish priest &asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane &there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic.
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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Its not a vacation, it's a seminar, a conference, a.............whatever you need to make it a deduct. At any rate, you do this. You figure you're going, and then you go. You bust your butt and do whatever it takes to finish enough work to take the break. And you go.
If that's a vacation, then that's how you do it.
No joke here.
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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Mistah_T
Reged: May 19 2002
Posts: 135
Loc: Elmira, NY
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My mother was a tricky woman
When I was enrtering my Teens my mom tricked me into staying away from girls.
She told me that girl had TEETH "down there"
So I was a virgin for a long time.
Then one day one of my buds asked why he never saw me with any girls?
So I told him What momma had said.
He said "Girls aint got teeth down there"
But I refused to believe him.
So to prove it he got one of his girl friends to take me out back to show me.
so she hikes up her dress and lays down a spreads her legs.
You see any teeth? she asks.
Well no wonder youaint got no teeth girl!!
Look at them nasty ass gums!!!
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Do NOT try this at home!!
I am a trained Professional!
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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T,
I'm going to turn that into a coonas joke.
Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says, "Catch some chickens."
The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."
The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."
The old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Post deleted by markcadioli
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Philter
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 23
Loc: Burnaby, B.C., Canada
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1. What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, hanging on a wall?
Art.
2. What do you call TWO guys withno arms, no legs,hanging on a wall?
Curt 'n' Rod.
What do you call a guy, with no arms, no legs, lying beside two arms, and two legs?
Kit!
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If it is to be, 'twil be done by me.
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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Keep em coming, we've got to go some to counteract KK's shear numbers. That boy's like a machine gun.
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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