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Recko



Reged: May 13 2002
Posts: 24
Loc: MA
Psst...wanna hear a joke??
      #842 - Mon May 13 2002 03:37 PM

Youse want to see a joke???


Watch Smitty swing the golf club!!!


Hey Luka???

Send me your friggin mailing address so I can send you some friggin "presents" from the friggin Fest this friggin weekend, will ya???

I thot I had it but I still have CRS. Send it to doug_recko@hotmail.com

One word of advice, though, when the box arrives make sure the air holes are clear...LOL....


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LukaAdministrator



Reged: Apr 26 2002
Posts: 1406
Loc: The great NorthWet
Re: Psst...wanna hear a joke?? [Re: Recko]
      #852 - Mon May 13 2002 07:07 PM

I done sent it to ya at that email address 3 times already.

Last time was yesterday, when I saw this request over at BT again. Time before last was about a week ago, when last I saw this request at BT and the time before that could have been a month ago.

Looks like Hotmail has developed CRS as well.





--------------------
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. ~Samuel Johnson


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MikeSmith



Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 971
Loc: Rhode Island
Re: Psst...wanna hear a (NEW) joke?? [Re: Recko]
      #860 - Mon May 13 2002 07:31 PM

come on, recko.. i wanna hear the 1 about the midget...

did you post the scores from yesterday's battle of the titans ?


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Recko



Reged: May 13 2002
Posts: 24
Loc: MA
Re: Psst...wanna hear a joke?? [Re: Luka]
      #863 - Mon May 13 2002 09:50 PM

Luka, got it & I'll put it in the mail to you tomorrow

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LukaAdministrator



Reged: Apr 26 2002
Posts: 1406
Loc: The great NorthWet
Re: Psst...wanna hear a joke?? [Re: Recko]
      #864 - Tue May 14 2002 12:17 AM







--------------------
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. ~Samuel Johnson


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MikeSmith



Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 971
Loc: Rhode Island
Re: Psst...wanna hear a joke?? [Re: Recko]
      #3140 - Wed Aug 14 2002 11:06 PM

ok , recko.. at the risk of repeating ......


A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door.

Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover
in the closet with the little boy, The little boy says,

"Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth.
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them.
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that; that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The Boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again





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kkearney



Reged: May 01 2002
Posts: 244
Re: Psst...wanna hear a joke?? [Re: MikeSmith]
      #3144 - Thu Aug 15 2002 12:54 AM

Since Smith is repeating,

After Work Cocktail
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an
exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that
the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his
overly attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer
his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do
anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky,
for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition
was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do
in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment,
withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills,
which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes &
slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."




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kkearney



Reged: May 01 2002
Posts: 244
Re: Psst...wanna hear a joke?? [Re: kkearney]
      #3145 - Thu Aug 15 2002 01:02 AM

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs
and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping
his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her
drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.
After a short while he asked her what she was.
"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a
lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get
up in the morning I think of women...when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything
seems tomake me think of going to bed with women," said the young woman.
A short while later she left the bar and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian" said
the cowboy.





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calvinAdministrator



Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 2391
Loc: NW Ohio
Re: Psst...wanna hear a joke?? [Re: kkearney]
      #3147 - Thu Aug 15 2002 02:39 AM

you guys really, and I mean really, quack me up.

thanks

--------------------
Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City

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kkearney



Reged: May 01 2002
Posts: 244
Re: Psst...wanna hear a joke?? [Re: calvin]
      #3148 - Thu Aug 15 2002 03:01 AM

One day, a Cajun died and went to hell. The devil was making his rounds and saw the Cajun over in the corner having a party. "Hey, you! said the devil. "You're not supposed to be having a good time in
hell. After all, it's burning hot in here."
"Oh," said the Cajun, "It's not all dat hot in here. It gets dis hot in Louisiana in July."
The devil left but was determined to make it uncomfortable for the Cajun, so he turned up the
temperature even more. Later the devil passed back by the Cajun and saw him boiling crawfish and having an
even better time. "Hay!" said the devil. "You stop that! You're not supposed to be enjoying yourself in
here. This is hell and it's burning hot in here." "It's no big deal," said the Cajun. "It gets dis hot
in Louisiana in August." The devil left very angry at the Cajun and determined to make him uncomfortable. "Okay," said the devil. "If you're used to the heat, I'm going to make it cold," and then turned down the thermostat until it was freezing cold. When he went back to check on the Cajun, he saw from afar that the Cajun was jumping up and down in a frenzy, throwing up his hands, laughing and smiling. "This is really too much!! Why is he so happy?" As he got close to the Cajun, he heard him shout......
"The Saints won the Super Bowl!!"The Saints won the SuperBowl!!"


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Recko



Reged: May 13 2002
Posts: 24
Loc: MA
Re: Psst...wanna hear a joke?? [Re: MikeSmith]
      #3163 - Fri Aug 16 2002 05:21 PM

Jesus, Smitty, 'ow many times youse gonna use that one???? (BTW, how was your daughter's wedding??)

Hoepfully these haven't been around the horn yet.

"Popular Bumper Stickers"

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Sh*t.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink, Don't Park. Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honour Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling!
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Haemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God .... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting, Will The Politicians All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen upside down on a jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed for 70mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba the Hut?
43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
44. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
45. Boldly Going Nowhere
46. Cat: The Other White Meat
47. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
48. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That
49. Heart Attacks .... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
50. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
51. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
52. Keep hooting.....I'm just reloading!
53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
55. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
59. Some people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them.
60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.


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kkearney



Reged: May 01 2002
Posts: 244
Re: Psst...wanna hear a joke?? [Re: Recko]
      #3171 - Sat Aug 17 2002 02:19 AM

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk
that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it
didn't work. The clerk told her that he couldn't give her
a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled,
"Grab my Breasts! Grab my breasts!"

The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store
manager who asked her if he can help.

She explained that she wanted to return the nonworking
toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give
her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.

Once again she yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was
yelling that particular phrase.

She replied, "Because I like my breasts grabbed when I'm
getting screwed!"


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kkearney



Reged: May 01 2002
Posts: 244
Re: Psst...wanna hear a joke?? [Re: kkearney]
      #3172 - Sat Aug 17 2002 10:20 PM

Sorry Lonecat.

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to
see some pitiful yankee queer.

The bartender looks up and says,
"You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks,
"A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar,
"It's okay boys, he's one of us!"




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kkearney



Reged: May 01 2002
Posts: 244
Re: Psst...wanna hear a joke?? [Re: kkearney]
      #3189 - Mon Aug 19 2002 11:00 PM

Subject: Unofficial State Mottos


Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California: As Seen On TV

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum,
But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The
Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: "Just a bit bigger than the Indy 500 Speedway, Really"

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism
Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and
Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right
Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to
an Attorney...

North Carolina:Tobacco Is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States!

Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan

Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY an Island

South Carolina:Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si', Hablo Ing'le's (Yes, I speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men and Sheep Are Nervous

Edited by kkearney (Tue Aug 20 2002 11:40 AM)


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RichBeckman



Reged: May 04 2002
Posts: 146
Loc: Marion, IN
Re: Psst...wanna hear a joke?? [Re: kkearney]
      #3190 - Tue Aug 20 2002 03:12 AM

Indiana's should be "Just a bit bigger than the Indy 500 Speedway, Really"

Rich Beckman


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Wolvie



Reged: May 01 2002
Posts: 94
Re: Psst...wanna hear a joke?? [Re: kkearney]
      #3240 - Fri Aug 23 2002 12:28 PM

cute! Especially Ohio's.

Oh yeah, on that last joke, are you sure that dude wasn't from Indiana rather than Iowa? ;-0

(PS - hi Beckman!!)


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kkearney



Reged: May 01 2002
Posts: 244
Re: Psst...wanna hear a joke?? [Re: Wolvie]
      #3246 - Fri Aug 23 2002 08:51 PM Attachment (266 downloads)

For Wolvie. Click on attachment.

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Wolvie



Reged: May 01 2002
Posts: 94
Re: Psst...wanna hear a joke?? [Re: kkearney]
      #3254 - Sat Aug 24 2002 11:30 AM

LOL, kk -

glad I'm not anal about cooking and cleaning! ;-0


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kkearney



Reged: May 01 2002
Posts: 244
Re: Psst...wanna hear a joke?? [Re: kkearney]
      #3320 - Wed Aug 28 2002 10:54 PM

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when
he saw two pathetic men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his
driver to stop and he got out to investigate, & asked, "Why are you eating
grass?" "We don't have no money for food," the man replied. "Oh, well,
you can come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer. "But, sir, I got a
wife & three kids here." "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. "But how
'bout m' friend?" The lawyer turned to the other man & said,"You come with
us, too." "But sir, I got wife & six kids!" "Bring them as well!" They
all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the poor fellows says:
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking allof us with you." The
lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost
a foot tall."


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Cynthia



Reged: May 01 2002
Posts: 12
Re: Psst...wanna hear a joke?? [Re: Recko]
      #3323 - Thu Aug 29 2002 02:15 AM

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old bottle with a cork. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a dull gray suit, carrying an imitation leather briefcase and flashes an FBI badge.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an FBI agent."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If the FBI offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.




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