calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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Ken, that cracks me up. It's all in the delivery.
And you deliver!
thanks, from the wife too this time. 
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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The Afterlife
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no heaven.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact: "Martha... Martha...."
"Is that you, George?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I have sex. I sun bathe, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, George, you truly must be in heaven."
"Not exactly Martha, I'm a rabbit in Saskatchewan."
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Subject: We're in America
Two Iraqis meet in California. One starts to greet the other in Arabic, the language of their native country.
The other Iraqi waves him away contemptuously
and says, "We're in America now. Speak Spanish!"
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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UGLY PEOPLE
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his butt off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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There is more money being spent on
breast implants and Viagra than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by
2020, there should be a large elderly
population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection
of what to do with them.
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MikeSmith
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 971
Loc: Rhode Island
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GOLF STORY -
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Screaming in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."
The doctor told him, "Your testicles are fine, but I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, and wired it, altogether an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the hotel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She said, "You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
Next she takes off her panties and says, "you're the first, no one has ever touched me here."
Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies . .
"Look at this, it's still in the CRATE."
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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ha ha ha
mike, you're giving ken a run for his money.
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Ghost Story
A professor at the University of Kentucky is giving a lecture on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people
here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,
do any of you think you've seen a ghost.
About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really
glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost. 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any
of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Billy Bob, way in the back raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've
been giving this lecture, no one has claimed to have made love to a
ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and begins to make
his way up to the podium. As he reached the front of the room, the
professor says, "Well, so tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghost."
To which Billy Bob replied, "Shiiiiiit!!!. From way back thar I thought
you said "Goats"!!
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TLE
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 142
Loc: Southern Michigan
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I have seen this list in differant forms before, still good for a giggle.
(My wife says I'm 24)
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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...... "damn contemporary BS architecture" ...........
http://quittintime.infopop.cc/attachments/7681-13.jpg
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
Edited by calvin (Wed Dec 10 2003 09:05 PM)
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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"POLITICS" AS UNDERSTOOD BY AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD
A LITTLE BOY GOES TO HIS DAD AND ASKS,
"WHAT IS POLITICS?"
DAD SAYS, "WELL SON, LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN IT
THIS WAY:
I'M THE HEAD OF THE FAMILY, SO CALL ME THE
PRESIDENT.
YOUR MOTHER IS THE ADMINISTRATOR OF THE MONEY,
SO CALL HER THE GOVERNMENT.
WE'RE HERE TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR NEEDS, SO WE'LL
CALL YOU THE PEOPLE.
THE NANNY, WE'LL CONSIDER THE WORKING CLASS,
AND YOUR BABY BROTHER, WE'LL CALL HIM THE
FUTURE.
NOW THINK ABOUT THAT AND SEE IF IT MAKES ANY
SENSE."
SO THE LITTLE BOY GOES OFF TO BED THINKING
ABOUT WHAT DAD HAS SAID.
LATER THAT NIGHT, HE HEARS HIS BABY BROTHER
CRYING, SO HE GETS UP TO CHECK ON HIM.
HE FINDS THAT THE BABY HAS SEVERELY SOILED HIS
DIAPER.
SO THE LITTLE BOY GOES TO HIS PARENT'S ROOM AND
FINDS HIS MOTHER SOUND ASLEEP.
NOT WANTING TO WAKE HER, HE GOES TO THE
NANNY'S ROOM.
FINDING THE DOOR LOCKED,
HE PEEKS IN THE KEYHOLE AND SEES HIS FATHER
IN BED WITH THE NANNY.
HE GIVES UP AND GOES BACK TO BED.
THE NEXT MORNING THE LITTLE BOY SAYS TO HIS
FATHER, "DAD, I THINK I UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF
POLITICS NOW."
THE FATHER SAYS, "GOOD, SON, TELL ME IN YOUR
WN WORDS WHAT YOU THINK POLITICS IS ALL ABOUT."
THE LITTLE BOY REPLIES,
"THE PRESIDENT IS SCREWING THE WORKING CLASS
WHILE THE GOVERNMENT IS SOUND ASLEEP.
THE PEOPLE ARE BEING IGNORED AND THE FUTURE
IS IN DEEP SHIT. "
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markcadioli
Reged: Apr 25 2002
Posts: 1406
Loc: Australia
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At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a protractor, a T-square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by
the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes,
and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.
They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns",but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of
medieval with coordinates in every country.
"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction,He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math dogs who are willing to dis-integrate us with calculus disregard.
Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence." The President added:"Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line." Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."
Attorney General Ashcroft said,"As our Great Leader would say, 'read my ellipse.' Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole,
looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take yur head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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you're back, firing with both barrels ken!
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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One elderly lady turns and asks another, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who
drives you to the beach?"
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, my treat. The third patron to come into the restaurant was a redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang, how's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded, so the redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of coke, on my bill.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said,"For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of backflips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the redneck. The redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me......I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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This ones for Sphere.
Redneck Haiku
DESIRE
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
That you are my cousin
BEAUTY
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps
REMORSE
A painful sadness
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door
DEPRIVED
In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll
Mama whups his ass
OPTIONS
Unemployment's out.
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability
BLAZE
Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with
Gasoline again
A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs
EXUBERANCE
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil
ALONE
Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order
HATRED
I curse the rainbow
Emblazoned upon his hood
Got damn Jeff Gordon
OFFERINGS
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Jimmy Swaggert
DRAMA
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
At 9 O'Clock
NO SIGNAL
White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; satellite dish
needs new descrambler
IMPOUNDED
Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino
GATHERING
In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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He's gonna like this one.
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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markcadioli
Reged: Apr 25 2002
Posts: 1406
Loc: Australia
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Red neck Palm Pilot. 
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