RichBeckman
Reged: May 04 2002
Posts: 146
Loc: Marion, IN
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"If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for!"
ROFLMAO! That is a good one.
Rich Beckman
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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I'm telling you Rich, that guys a natural. 
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. . .
From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the
man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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I see we've moved over to the samples section. Maybe because you turn such a good audience.........
Here's one you heard I'm sure...........fact is, recko might have told it first................
nah.
Subject: Babies
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to
Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his
mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby
cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the
stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then," she replied, "tell your mother that there are no baby
planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can
explain THAT to you."
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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calvin, Don't give up your day job. <g>
A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.
There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll
sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the
blanket, and put it on her.
Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He
unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the
wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."
The nun said, "That's fine by me."
To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own damn blanket!"
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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awwwwwwwww. I get it from you here and from Wicklund over at BT. That pretty much covered the day job. Well hell, here's another try.
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he
wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on
a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and
did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water
perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three
rotations in jackknife position before he again
straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He replied, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion.
You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves
as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic
endurance swimmer?"
"No," she replied, "I was a hooker in Cincinnati and I worked both sides of the Ohio River."
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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Red Neck Love Poem
Susie Mae done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother"
So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still...
You cain't marry Will, my gal.,
And please don't tell your Mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother"
But Mama knew and said, "My child,
Just do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain't no kin to Pappy!!
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Hypnotist
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced,
"Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up
onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and
every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's
a very special watch... It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The
crowd become mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until
suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
breaking into a hundred pieces. "Shit!!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
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kai
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 78
Loc: South Leftcoast USA
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Old one, I know, but I haven't heard it in a while:
Some of the artists from the 60's are re-releasing their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us...good news, for those feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes . . . .
Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"
The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"
The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"
Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From My Depends"
Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"
Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"
Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
ABBA - "Denture Queen"
Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"
Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face"
Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"
Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"
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markcadioli
Reged: Apr 25 2002
Posts: 1406
Loc: Australia
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Little Johnnny is with his Dad at the horse sales. Dad is checking out a potential purchase and Johnny is watching intently as Dad sums up the horse. Rubs his hand down its neck, legs, back etc.
" What are you doing Dad? says Johnny.
" Checking out this horse", says Dad, " I'm going to buy it".
Johnny is silent for a few miniutes and then says, " Dad. I think we better go home right now."
"Why's that Johhny"? says Dad.
" Because the milkman was over yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mum".
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Compton
Reged: Jan 02 2003
Posts: 196
Loc: northern Wisconsin
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Mark, I was going to boo you, but then I laughed! "wants to buy Mum"....HAHAHAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
Thanks.
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Matty
Lookin' at the big Lake
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Compton
Reged: Jan 02 2003
Posts: 196
Loc: northern Wisconsin
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lol kai
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Matty
Lookin' at the big Lake
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kai
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 78
Loc: South Leftcoast USA
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I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin Just Fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too Bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over to your place after while?"
Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously, "Listen.... I'll have to call you back.
There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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kai, it's really not proper to go over to the men's room unless of course the ladies room is under repair.
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on
display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to
the shopkeeper, "Can I have a CAD Monkey please." The shopkeeper
nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a
monkey. He fitted a collar and lead, handed it to the customer.
"That will be 5,000 dollars." said the shopkeeper. The customer paid
and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was
a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars,
Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw on CAD - very
fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even
more expensive! 10,000 dollars ! What does it do?" "Oh, that ones a
Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up
drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really
useful stuff", said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey
in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read 50,000
dollars, He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all
the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper looked up and replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen
it do anything, but it says it's an engineer."
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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(I'm still) LMAO.............
balsey move would be to post it over at BT when another engineer post starts up.
thanks ken.
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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The Lie Clock
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock? Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling
fan."
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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Compton
Reged: Jan 02 2003
Posts: 196
Loc: northern Wisconsin
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In honor of the season opener at Lambeau on Sunday, though your team can be substituted.
On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to Visit the Coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a purple VIKING jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.
As the pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Green Bay Packers jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks' side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Viking from the water. Then using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it in to the boat also.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there were some bitter hatred between Green Bay Packers & Vikings but now I
have seen with my own eyes that this is not true".
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that"?
"It was the Pope", one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom".
"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know crap about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up O.K., or do we need to get another one"?
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Matty
Lookin' at the big Lake
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His parents had
tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers,
in short, everything they could think of to help his math!
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in
the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home
with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and
papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at
work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, to her shock,
the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in
no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for
some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all
the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on
the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great trepidation,
his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A"
in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said:
"Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook
his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline,
the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?" Little Zachary looked at her and
said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the
plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
.
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