kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat
by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you
were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When
I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed
right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my
side...You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, get the hell away from me."
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Luka
Reged: Apr 25 2002
Posts: 1401
Loc: The great NorthWet
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Billbords from never never land...
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The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. ~Samuel Johnson
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Luka
Reged: Apr 25 2002
Posts: 1401
Loc: The great NorthWet
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2
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The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. ~Samuel Johnson
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Luka
Reged: Apr 25 2002
Posts: 1401
Loc: The great NorthWet
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3
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The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. ~Samuel Johnson
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Luka
Reged: Apr 25 2002
Posts: 1401
Loc: The great NorthWet
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4
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The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. ~Samuel Johnson
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Luka
Reged: Apr 25 2002
Posts: 1401
Loc: The great NorthWet
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5
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The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. ~Samuel Johnson
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Luka
Reged: Apr 25 2002
Posts: 1401
Loc: The great NorthWet
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6
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The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. ~Samuel Johnson
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Luka
Reged: Apr 25 2002
Posts: 1401
Loc: The great NorthWet
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7
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The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. ~Samuel Johnson
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Luka
Reged: Apr 25 2002
Posts: 1401
Loc: The great NorthWet
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8
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The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. ~Samuel Johnson
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Diary of a Snow Shoveler...
December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow
of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and
sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft
flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma
Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I
love snow!
December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal
white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What
a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the
Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered
up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow.
Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to
worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow
on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so
much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The
temperature dropped to-20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I
warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks.
This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would
have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly
get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and
puff so.
December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and
bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's
car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife
wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass
on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like
hell. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was
very cruel.
December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too
icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had
to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14"
of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling. Took all
day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a
neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only
hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in
March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or
the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas
because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and
it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me
45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed
and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the
winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the *#@&!! is
lying.
December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up
to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the
house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she
tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I
think she's lying.
December 24 - 6." Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l
broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If
I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow
plow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat
him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides
around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling
and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an
hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols
with her and open our presents, but I was too busy
watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25 - Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches
of the damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of
shovelling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a
donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a
fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life"
one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the
microwave.
December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever
move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on
my nerves.
December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the
pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for
him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in.
THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to
shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest
thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow
driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only
the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the
broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to
her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No
more shovelling.
January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white
pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral to
it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began telling their stories. Most of them were the
usual "Don't put all your eggs in one basket," or "don't count your chickens before they're hatched,"
variety until the teacher asked little Michael to tell his story. "My daddy told me this story about my
Aunt Karen," he began. "Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She
had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 2 bottles of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100
enemy troops! She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she
killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke, and then she killed the last ten with her bare
hands!" Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that
horrible story?" " Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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Brings back to mind aunt toni.......... 
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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markcadioli
Reged: Apr 25 2002
Posts: 1406
Loc: Australia
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Subject: NEW CLASSES FOR MEN, TO BE HELD AT YOUR LOCAL ADULT LEARNING
CENTER
NEW CLASSES FOR MEN, TO BE HELD AT YOUR LOCAL ADULT LEARNING CENTER
Due to the complexity &difficulty level, each course will accept a maximum
of 8 participants.
Topic 1 - How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Tray.
Step By Step, With Slide Presentation.
Topic 2 - Toilet Paper: Does It Grow On The Holder? Round
Table Discussion.
Topic 3 - Is It Possible To Urinate By Lifting The Seat And
Avoid Splashing The Floor/Walls And Nearby Bathtub? Group Practice.
Topic 4 - Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper And The Floor.
Pictures And Explanatory Graphics.
Topic 5 - Dishes And Silverware: Can They Levitate And Fly Into The Sink?
Examples On Video.
Topic 6 - Identity Crisis: Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Helpline Support And Support Groups.
Topic 7 - Learning How To Find Things, Looking In The Right Place Instead Of
Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Topic 8 - Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics And Audio Tape.
Topic 9 - Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost.
Real Life Testimonials (may be deleted due to unavailability of any men able
to give testimonials)
Topic 10 - Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly As She Parallel
Parks.
Driving Simulation.
Topic 11 - Learning About Life: Basic Differences Between Mother And Your
Wife.
Online Class And Role Playing.
Topic 12 - How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion.
Exercises, Meditation And Breathing Techniques.
Topic 13 - How To Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays,
Anniversaries,
Other Important Dates And Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions And Full Lobotomies Offered.
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markcadioli
Reged: Apr 25 2002
Posts: 1406
Loc: Australia
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MURDER OR SUICIDE?
If ever you are considering suicide, think again!!!
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President
Dr Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a
bizarre death. Here is the story.
On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr Opus had jumped
from the top of a ten-storey building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the
ninth
floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window,
which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware
that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to
protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able
to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "A person who sets out to commit suicide
and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he
intended, is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr Opus was shot on
the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful
because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a
homicide on his hands.
In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated was
occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing
vigorously and hews threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset
that
when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets
went
through the window striking Mr Opus.
When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt,
one is guilty of the murder of subject "B."
When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both
adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old
man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the Unloaded
shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing
of Mr Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been
accidentally
loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal
accident.
It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support
and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun
threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would
shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he
was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the
death of Ronald Opus. Now comes the exquisite twist. Further
investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become
increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his
mother's murder.
This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd,
only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.
The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner
closed thecae as a suicide.
A true story from Associated Press, Reported by Kurt
Westerville)
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JohnD
Reged: Oct 21 2002
Posts: 46
Loc: Chicago Suburbs
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I like it about the death, but unfortunately it is a "sort of" urban legend. It is NOT TRUE, but Dr. Mills is a real person, and he DID tell the story at a meeting, but as a tale, showing how subtle changes in facts can change the entire forensic investigation.
See Urban Legends Web Page for more information, or do a Google search on "Ronald Opus".
Still, it would sure make a good episode on Law & Order.
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the
folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You
know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage
'book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'.
'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's
all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband
was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her
head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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One elderly lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
the other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who
drives you to the beach?"
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise
ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not
blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me,
madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you
know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know." said the lady, "I need both hands to
hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are
exposed!"said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and
replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85
years old. I just bought this hat yesterday"
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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ROTFLMAO and then some.............
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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It must be old lady week.
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home Reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and
thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to
be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a
piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're
talking about."
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