calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Why arn't you allowed to incinnerate clowns?
They burn funny.
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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Ken, is there a whole bunch of clown jokes, like blondes and polish people? Figured you 'd know.
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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There are polish people jokes?
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a
pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After
becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my
own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out
and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the
young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just
then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls
it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead
creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the
alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one
isn't wearing any shoes either!"
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded
every request to his wife with endearing terms -- Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart, Pumpkin etc. The couple had been married almost 50 years
and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the
kitchen! the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's
wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet
names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he
said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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you been dying wait'in for your stage haven't you? Good to have your joking rear-end back up here posting.
Bring it on...........
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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I'm just trying to amuse the troops .
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect,"
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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you still got it Ken.
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Scary but true,
A group of senior citizens were talking at the breakfast table in a Florida nursing home.
My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills makes me dizzy,"...another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
.
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few
days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous
young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to the man
and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just
doing what you said, Doctor: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful,' " The
Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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A little old man shuffled....slowly......Into an ice cream parlor,
pulled himself....slowly......painfully.... onto a stool.
When he'd caught his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly,"Crushed nuts?"
"No", he replied,"Arthritis
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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Ken, you know more good jokes than anyone I've ever not met. You probably heard this pc. of wisdom a couple of times. Maybe not.
A little fun each day
I went to the store the other day, and I was in
there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out
there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how
about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and
continued writing the ticket. So I called him a
pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called
him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on
for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the
more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was
parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun
each day. It's important.
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds
attractive can differ - depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance:
If she is ovulating: she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine
features; and if she is menstruating: she is more prone to be attracted to a
man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his butt.
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markcadioli
Reged: Apr 25 2002
Posts: 1406
Loc: Australia
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Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells
Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all! Zeb went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation.
The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pullet-surprise.
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markcadioli
Reged: Apr 25 2002
Posts: 1406
Loc: Australia
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Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation
Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas
flight check.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the
reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in
order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's
flying skills to the test.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer
harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed
Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his
seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass.
Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of
time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose
an engine on takeoff."
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Pro_Dek
Reged: May 01 2002
Posts: 533
Loc: Seattle
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This Virus only affects those born before 1960
Symtoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail
3. Causes you to send to wrong person
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you
5. Causes you to forget the attachment
6. Causes you to hit "send" before you've finished the 
--------------------
Bob
"Rather be a hammer than a nail"
Edited by Pro_Dek (Wed Dec 18 2002 03:25 PM)
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MikeSmith
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 971
Loc: Rhode Island
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so the three little pig brothers pooled their money and won the lottery.. and decided to each build a house with part of their winnings..
the wolf on the next block was really envious cause he didn't win anything
the first little piggy built a straw house...
and the second one built a wood house.. and the third one built his house of brick....
well, this was too much for the wolf , so he crashed the house warming party at straw house...
"i'm gonna huff & puff & blow this place down".. and he did..
so the brothers ran over to the wooden house.
and the wolf followed them... "i'm gonna blow this place down , too !... and he did..
well, they all ran over to the brick house.. but the brick house pig made a phone call before the wolf got there....
and just as the wolf got to the door, a long black limo pulled up .... and two pigs in black suits got out , grabbed the wolf, beat the hell out of him and threw him in the trunk and drove off...
the first two pigs were amazed and asked their brother who those pigs were ?.....
and he replied,
"why , those were our cousins, the guinea pigs !"
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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Oh boy, I can just hear it now from the I.A.B..........
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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markcadioli
Reged: Apr 25 2002
Posts: 1406
Loc: Australia
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Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who
worked as airplane mechanics in ATLANTA. One day the
airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the
hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we
had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know,
I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You
wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of
glasses of high octane hooch and get completely
smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how
good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO
bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's
Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I
feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says,
"No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover,
nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well
there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you
farted yet?" "No....."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"
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markcadioli
Reged: Apr 25 2002
Posts: 1406
Loc: Australia
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Two guys were attending a party in the woods, when all of a sudden, the skies opened up and rained torrents on everybody. They ran for their car, jumped in, and gunned it. They were going pretty fast when an old man's face appeared in the passenger window, knocking on it! The passenger screamed, but decided to roll down his window halfway.
''What do you want?'' he asked.
''Do you have any tobacco?'' asked the old man. The passenger handed the old man a cigarette, and he went away.
''Go faster!'' said the passenger. ''I don't want to see him again!'' So the driver pushed the spedometer to 80 mph. But soon, the old man appears at the window again! Scared, the passenger rolls down his window again.
''Do you have a light?'' said the old man's face. Trembling, the passenger handed him a pack of matches. And the old man went away.
''Drive faster!'' said the passenger. So they pushed it to 100 mph. But ten minutes later, the face returns. ''What do you want from us?'' screamed the passenger.
The old man gently replied ''You jackasses want some help getting out of the mud?''
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