kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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The Eulogy
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had
7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time
had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord
for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied,
"I think he means her legs."
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Armin
Reged: May 20 2002
Posts: 352
Loc: Michigan's upper peninsula
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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had
spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and
yellow.
The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer,
never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once
and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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www.northernsunwoodworks.com
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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ha ha ha ha. i started LMAO, before I fell outta this chair and ROF. Thanks, after the First Half, I needed that. (NFL)
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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Pro_Dek
Reged: May 01 2002
Posts: 533
Loc: Seattle
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ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!
Thanks Arnin........too funny
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Bob
"Rather be a hammer than a nail"
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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----------------------------------------------
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the
dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't
supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook
them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked
his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the f*cking potatoes
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Cynthia
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 12
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Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred... then she floored me. She said in a month I would be a married man and before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.
I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with the situation. I headed straight out the front door.... There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father in law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and
he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking to my car was to get a condom?
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Luka
Reged: Apr 25 2002
Posts: 1401
Loc: The great NorthWet
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ROFLMFAO
I would have been headed for home. But just to be contrary, and to prove a point, I probably would have told the guy to get out of my way, my condoms were in the car. And/or that I wasn't into threesomes.
hehehe
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The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. ~Samuel Johnson
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Armin
Reged: May 20 2002
Posts: 352
Loc: Michigan's upper peninsula
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Lucky guy to have a mother in law that looks that good!
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www.northernsunwoodworks.com
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - - - (dead silence) - - -
HUSBAND: Shit.
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Once upon a time, Hercules, Snow White and Quasimodo were talking over a
picnic lunch.
Hercules says "You know, everyone says I am the strongest mortal on the
earth, but I don't know how to prove it. That bothers me a lot."
Snow White said "You're right! Everyone says I am the fairest, but how can
I be sure?"
Quasimodo agrees. "Yeah, and I'm supposed to be the ugliest!"
Suddenly Snow White has an idea. "You know, guys, I've got the answer.
Let's pray about this and ask God to tell us the truth."
Hercules says "Great, Let's meet tomorrow and tell our tales."
Quasimodo gets up to leave and says "See you tomorrow. Boy, I'm going to
find out for certain that I'm the ugliest."
The next day, they meet at a restaurant in town. Hercules says, "I talked
to God, and He says that I am truly the strongest."
Snow White says, "So did I, and I am truly the fairest."
Quasimodo has his head down, leaning on the table and says, "Who the hell
is Janet Reno?"
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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oh, that's terrible...........(my wife says)
me? I'm roflmao..........
thank you.
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Calvin,
Have the wife post a joke. Here is another oldy.
The seven dwarfs
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are The seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you ?". Dopey asks: "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?".
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers: "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome". In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back: "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?".
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers: "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe". This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says: "Mr. Pope ! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world ?". "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world". The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and
laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting......
"Dopey screwed a penguin ! Dopey screwed a penguin !"
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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Ken, thanks to you, we're both on the floor.............
She says okay to posting a joke. Trouble is this moderator thing has me hesitant. Not to mention there'd be too many asterisks if I tried to edit it.
Heard the ones about Little Billy? If not, I'll try to comb out the objectionable parts........shoot, I'll send it to you, no harm in that.
We've got this comedy club close by. Want me to see about a booking. You'd fill the place.
thanks again.
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at
thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the
Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can
make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of
my hand."
The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this".
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd
goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and
cheering, basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do?
I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and
says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild,
not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of
my head."
The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.
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MikeSmith
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 971
Loc: Rhode Island
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists.. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow instructions without question, no matter what. Behind this door , you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her ! "
The man said , " You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The Agent said , "Then you're not the guy for the job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. " I tried, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it."
The Agent said , " You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
At last, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, "To kill her husband".
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard. One shot after another. They heard screaming , crashing, banging on the wall. Finally , it was quiet, and after a few moments, the door opened and the woman came out. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, " You bastards, the gun was shooting blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair"
Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
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MikeSmith
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 971
Loc: Rhode Island
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Many women are afraid of their first mamogram, and even if they have had them before, there is fear. But, there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practise exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test.
Best of all, you can do these simple practise exercises right in your own home.
Exercise #1: Open your refrigerator door, and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends shut the door as hard as possible and lean on it for good measure. Hold that position for at least 5 seconds. Repeat in case the first time was ineffective.
Exercise #2 : Visit your garage at 3 am. when the temperature of the cement floor is close to perfect. Take off all your clothers and lie comfortably on the floor sideways with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.
Swith to your other side and repeat the exercise for the other breast.
Exercise #3 : Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Have the stranger press the bookends against either side of your left breast and squash the bookends together as hard as possible. Repeat for the right breast. Make an appointment with the stranger to meet again in one year to do it again.
You are now properly prepared for any mammogram.
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Boudreaux got hisself a job as a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner,had had about enough and warned Boudreaux that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he ask Boudreaux for their best
cough syrup. Try as he might Boudreaux could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as Boudreaux said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask Boudreaux what had transpired. "Mais, he wanted sometin for his cough but I couldn't find de cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" Boudreaux explained. "Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily. "De hell you say; sure it will" Boudreaux said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him ova dere; mais he's afraid to cough yeah."
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MikeSmith
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 971
Loc: Rhode Island
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Tickets!?
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure
gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see
your ticket, not your stub."
Let's go for stupid
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Caught for speeding
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was
stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the
kid on his way without a ticket.
Stuck under a bridge
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A
sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead."
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and
he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of
his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Drunk?
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street
with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk".
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely
sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
Too Late
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left
his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the
officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?"
the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.
Z
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MikeSmith
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 971
Loc: Rhode Island
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MORE BLONDE JOKES....
1st Degree: A married couple is asleep, when the phone rings at two in the morning. The blonde wife picks up the phone and listens a moment, and then
shouts, "How should I know? That's 200 miles from here!" and hangs up the phone. The husband says, "Who was that?" The wife says, "I don't know .
Somebody asking if the coast was clear."
2nd Degree: Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and picks it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmmmmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Let me see". So the first blonde hands the second blonde the compact and she looks
in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me."
3rd Degree: A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. So she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well the blonde is
overcome with grief. She takes out the gun and holds it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, Honey! Don't do it!" The blonde screams, "Shut up!
You're next!"
4th Degree : A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead and ask me. I know them all." A friend says,
"Ok, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde says, "W."
5th Degree: Q. What did the blonde ask her Doctor when he told she was pregnant?
A. Is it mine?
6th Degree: A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage with out a scratch and was applying a fresh coat of lipstick when the State Trooper arrived.
Good heavens!" the Trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an
accordion that was stomped on by an elephant! Are you Ok?"
"Why Yes, officer, I'm just fine." the blonde chirped.
"Well how in the world did this
happen?" the officer asked, surveying the mess.
"Officer it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road, when from out of nowhere,
this Tree pops out in front of me. So, I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! So, I swerved to the right and there was another tree. So, I swerved left and...."
"Uh, Ma'am", says the officer cutting her off. There isn't a tree on this road for thirty miles.
That was your air freshener."
7th Degree: Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 Unit that was patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered, and dropped to the step with her face in her hands. "I can't believe this! I come home to find all my possessions stolen," she moans. "I
call the police for help, and they send me a blind cop!!"
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Armin
Reged: May 20 2002
Posts: 352
Loc: Michigan's upper peninsula
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At least I hope this is a joke.
Sad news about beer...This may be a catastrophe.
You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems to be irrefutable. Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to
think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
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www.northernsunwoodworks.com
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