kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine." retorted the lady.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who'sa talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin'my friend how to spella 'Mississippi'."
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MikeSmith
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 971
Loc: Rhode Island
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nah... sorry.. dats a groaner....
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one
is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy
rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's
collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes
over to interview the boy. "'Forty Niners' fan saves friend
from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies.
"'Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack,"
says the reporter as he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says.
"Then what are you?" the reporter askes.
"I'm a Cowboys fan!!!" the boy says proudly.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Redneck bastard kills family pet!"
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a
mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was
about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said, "I have to sleep with Daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken
little voice saying, "The big sissy."
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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An oldie but goody.
One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, Captain Bravo's lookout spotted
a pirate ship. The crew became frantic!
Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly
retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly
colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the
pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's
triumph. One of them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your
red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt
would not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight,
unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and
intelligence of such a manly man's man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two,
but TEN pirate ships approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence
at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed
against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me
my brown pants."
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Two terrorists are chatting. One of them has his
wallet out and is flipping through pictures. "Yeah, this
is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's
a martyr, too."
here's a pause...
The second terrorist says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up
so fast, don't they?"
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where
Mr. Smith made it clear that he didn't want to spend
a lot of money.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles
or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it
over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said
the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Smith turned to his wife...
"Show him your tooth, honey!"
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help
the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that
they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the
new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, pointing out that if
there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in
all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies
for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into
the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes
downstairs to look for him. Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the
cellar, he finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books
crying.
He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came
the reply, "The word is celebrate."
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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Ken, honest to goodness, you continue to crack me up. Hope you're doing well down there in the bayeau (how's that spelled?)
--------------------
Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Calvin,
Glad somebody likes 'em. Just got two days off for p;ssant hurricane. Get to see if my temporary rubber roofs leaked Friday.
Usually it's bayou but bayeau is cool.
You know the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 30 pounds.
KK
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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hey, thanks for the clarification on the spelling. Up here in Ohio, ea is pronounced o. Go figure.
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Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Calvin,
Same here. Bayou is pronounced "by-you".
Two irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and
watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see
a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the
other irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see
that the jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...
one of the girls must be quite ill."
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that President Bush and
Colin Powell sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them . "
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are
you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III ."
And the guy replies, "Really? What's going to happen?
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and
one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big
tits?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See,
smart ass? I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis."
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Three old ornery grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing
home. About then an old man walked by, and one of the grandmas said,
"We bet we can tell how old you are."
The old man said "there ain't no way you can guess it".
One of the ornery grandmas said: "Sure we can! Drop your pants!" He
did. The old grandmas stared at him for a while and then they all piped
up and said, "You're 84 years old!"
The old man was stunned. "Amazing. How did you guess that?"
The ornery old grandmas, laughed and slapping their knees, said, "You
told us yesterday".
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions...A man
walks in and kneels down and begins his confession, "Father, it has been two
weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Coochie Green."
"That is your sin" the priest asked?
"Yes, Father." the man replied.
"You are forgiven, go out and say one "Our Father" the priest said.
The man does so and leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels. "Father,
it has been one month since my last confession" the man starts, "these are my
sins: I have had sex with Coochie Green every week for the last month."
The priest thinks to himself this Coochie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners...
"Those are your sins" he asks?
"Yes, Father" The man replies.
"You are forgiven. Go out and say three "Hail Marys" the priest says.
The man does so and leaves.
Soon, another man enters and kneels down and starts his confession,
"Father, it has been six months since my last confession and these are my sins: I have
had sex with Coochie Green twice a week for the last six months."
This time, the priest has to ask , "Who is this Coochie Green?"
"Just a woman I know, Father" replied the male parishioner.
"Very well" the priest replied, "you are forgiven, go out and say ten "Hail Marys."
The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this
Coochie Green woman is.
The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The
doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman.
She's a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green
sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it.
She walked straight up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.
The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over
to ask the altar boy, "Pssssst is that Coochie Green?"
The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off
her shoes."
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't
seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out
his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The
operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help.
First, we have to be sure he's dead.
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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Ken, I hate to keep patting you on the back, but you are a natural. Ever thought about stand up comedy full time? I'm LMAO.
--------------------
Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Calvin,
I'm happy somebody likes 'em. Gotta really cull for the PC's and prudes. Did I tell you about those damn lesbian carpenters?
KK
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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These are probably urban legends but made me chuckle.
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during
a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder:
He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it
worked.
**************************************************
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of
its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a
finger. The chef's claim was approved.
**********************
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a
blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the
space. Understandably, he shot her.
******************************************************
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the
driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free
ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable andprone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
***************************************************
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see
how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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A rich white guy in Louisiana decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the black
guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard
of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters
and BBQ and flirting with the women.
At the height of the party, the rich white dude said, "I have a 10 ft
man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who
has the balls to jump in."
The words were barely out of the rich white dude's mouth when there was a
loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the
gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of
stuff like head butts and choke-holds, biting the gator on the tail and
flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Japanese Judo
instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator
were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let
it sink to the bottom like a Walmart goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at
him in disbelief.
Finally the rich white guy says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a
million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich white dude said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The white dude said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex and some stock options?"
The brother said "No." The confused rich white guy said, "Well, Leroy,
then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the mother f@#$er who pushed me in the
pool."
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