kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices
her Shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men
collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him
apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and
can help ease his pain.
"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies
quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself
to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and
starts massaging his genitals.
"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.
"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still
hurts like hell."
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multipling
and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company,
using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you
get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk
rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman
Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the
rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report
says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one
cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine
cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the
milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create
clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and
learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle
of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for
storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full
employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who
reported the numbers.
A WELSH CORPORATION
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...
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Mistah_T
Reged: May 19 2002
Posts: 135
Loc: Elmira, NY
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A FORMER CARPENTERS CORPORATION
You have 2 cows but you cant milk them because they are on your roof along with some rabbits eatin the grass that grows in your gutters.
T
--------------------
Do NOT try this at home!!
I am a trained Professional!
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RichBeckman
Reged: May 04 2002
Posts: 146
Loc: Marion, IN
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LOL!!
Rich Beckman
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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A 5 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know
what?" says the 5 year old. "I think it's about time we start swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 5 year old continues, "When
we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "Hell," and you say "ass."
OK?" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the
kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell Mom,
I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles
across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
The Mom looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do
YOU want for breakfast young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you
can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
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MikeSmith
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 971
Loc: Rhode Island
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even Helen loved that 1...
eatcher heart out, recko
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Mike,
"even" Helen?
I'll try to keep 'em simple.
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town.
It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected
as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the fire out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That bitch is starting to look HOT
just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
canno longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge# 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slutSally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
Judge# 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch holemy stomach.
Chili #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
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MikeSmith
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 971
Loc: Rhode Island
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ok.. here's a Helen joke:
A FISHING STORY
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
"Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
now do u see what i mean ?
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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The Zen Master walked up to the hotdog vendor and said "make me one with everything."
Vendor gave him the dog, Zen Master gave vendor $20 bill.
Master waited and waited, finally said "where's my change?"
Vendor replied "change comes from within".
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Luka
Reged: Apr 25 2002
Posts: 1401
Loc: The great NorthWet
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Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought ?I?m not getting rid of my panties...? so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: ?We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties....?
The other one responded: ?You?re lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her bum that read, ?We will never forget you.?
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The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. ~Samuel Johnson
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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I don't usually pass on sad news like this, but sometimes we need to pause
and remember what life is all about. There was a Great loss recently.
Larry LaPrise, who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey," died this week at age 83.
It was extremely difficult for the family to keep him in the casket. They'd
put his left leg in and .....well, you know the rest.
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Luka
Reged: Apr 25 2002
Posts: 1401
Loc: The great NorthWet
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What if the hokey pokey really IS what it is all about ???
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The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. ~Samuel Johnson
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RichBeckman
Reged: May 04 2002
Posts: 146
Loc: Marion, IN
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"What if the hokey pokey really IS what it is all about ???"
We couldn't be so lucky.
Rich Beckman
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Morris, a building contractor was being paid by the week
for a job that was likely to stretch over several months.
He approached the owner of the property and held up the
check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less
than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you two
hundred dollars, and you never complained."
The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional
mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to
call it to your attention."
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Two Indians and a Cajun were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one
of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard
an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Cajun was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all
about, was the other Indian crazy or what?
"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler into the opening. If they get an answer back,
it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of
the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!".
Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave.
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Cajun wondered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he
came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, hoo, man! Look de size o' dis cave! It be bigger den dose de Injuns foun'.
Der mus' be some really big, fine womans in dis cave! He stood in front of
the opening and hollered with all his might, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!".
He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the
answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the New Orleans Times-Picayune read:
"NAKED COONASS RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN."
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calvin
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 2390
Loc: NW Ohio
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Ken, you tell some good stories. You going to duhamels? You'll be a hit around a campfire.
--------------------
Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City
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kkearney
Reged: Apr 30 2002
Posts: 244
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Calvin,
I can't plan that far ahead, won't decide until last minute. Would love to bring some coonass food.
Pork pate'? hehe
A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian rugs. She looks
around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she
bends to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally breaks wind.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident.
She turns and sees that standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day,
M'am. How may I help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir how much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady, you farted just touching it.You're gonna shit when
you hear the price."
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MikeSmith
Reged: Apr 29 2002
Posts: 971
Loc: Rhode Island
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no.... stop... please !
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markcadioli
Reged: Apr 25 2002
Posts: 1406
Loc: Australia
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Here's Jackie Mason's take on Starbucks. You can just hear his
voice...........
You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's 60 cents. But at Starbucks, if
it's Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Creamier: $4.50. Caffe Suisse: $9.50. For
each French word, another four dollars. Why does a little cream in
coffee make it worth $3.50?
Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until
you're blue in the face. Forty-million people are walking around in
coffee shops with jars of cream: "Here's all the cream you want!" And
it's still 60 cents. You know why? Because it's called "coffee."
You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop;
they'll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do they ask you for more
money because it's cinnamon? It's the same price for cinnamon in your
coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - 60 cents, that's it.
But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier - $9.50. You want a
refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the refills you
want until you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27 and keep
drinking coffee until you're
98. And they'll start begging you: "Here, you want more coffee, you want
more, you want more?"
Do you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a
dollar fifty. Two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50 So, for four
cups of coffee - $35.00. And it's burnt coffee. It's burnt coffee at
Starbucks, let's be honest about it.
If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, "It's
the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot. But
when it's burnt at Starbucks, they say, "Oh, it's a blend. It's a
special bean from Argentina....." The bean is in your head.
And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high
stools. You ever see these stools? You haven't been on a chair that high
since you were two. Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing and
climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when they get to the top,
they can't even drink the coffee because there's 12 people around one
little table, and everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me,
excuse me....." Then they can't get off the chair. Old Jews are begging
Gentiles, "Mister, could you get me off this?"
Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods all over
this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters and
no service. And so poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias
didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee to you in
a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee. You
got less, so you paid less.
It's all the same at Starbucks - no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup
for your coffee - except in Starbucks, the less you get, the more it
costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's worth four times as much!
Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbucks? Buy a
cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with that
cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At Starbucks, you're going to
have to hire a detective to find that cookie, and it's $9.50. And you
can't put butter on it because they want extra. Do you know that if you
buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbucks?
Cream cheese, another 60 Cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents. If it
reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you $312.
And they don't give you the butter or the cream cheese. They don't give
it to you. They tell you where it is. "Oh, you want butter? It's over
there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is here." Now you become
your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. "I'll take the cookie.
Where's the butter? The butter's here. Where's the cream cheese? The
cream cheese is there."
You walked around for an hour and a half selecting items, and then the
guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says "Tips."
You're waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money? Then
there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished. They
don't give you a waiter or a busboy. Now you've become the janitor. Now
you have to start cleaning up the place. Old Jews are walking around
cleaning up Starbucks. "Oh, he's got dirt too? Wait, I'll clean this
up." They clean up the place for an hour and a half.
If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll open a whole
new type of a coffee shop. A whole new type. Instead of 60 cents for
coffee I'll charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50. Not only that, I'll
have no tables, no chairs, no water, no busboy, and you'll clean it up
for 20 minutes after you're finished." Would you say to me, "That's the
greatest idea for a business I ever heard! We can open a chain of these
all over the world!" No, you would put me right into a sanitarium.
Starbucks can only get away with it because they have French titles for
everything, bastard sons-of-a-bitches. And I say this with the highest
respect, because I don't like to talk about people...
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